


Before You Go

by Hellokaelyn



Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst, Ellicksongchallenge, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, no happy endings here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:00:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25006558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hellokaelyn/pseuds/Hellokaelyn
Summary: Heartbreak—a feeling she should have become accustomed to by now spread through her heart.
Relationships: Ellie Bishop/Nick Torres
Comments: 10
Kudos: 25





	Before You Go

**Author's Note:**

> Week 5: Song that breaks your heart  
> Song: Lewis Capaldi - Before You Go

_ I fell by the wayside like everyone else _

_ I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, but I was just kidding myself _

_ Our every moment, I start to replace _

_ 'Cause now that they're gone, all I hear are the words that I needed to say _

Heartbreak—a feeling she should have become accustomed to by now spread through her heart. Sitting inside it and with every beat, it tore at her heart from the inside out tearing it to shreds. 

At least that’s what it felt like.

Ellie lost him. 

She hated him, she did.  _ She did.  _ Or so she told herself to try and stop that feeling of heartbreak from happening  _ again _ . It would’ve been easy to hate him, but she was only kidding herself.

Every moment, every memory...she tried to remember. But with every moment, it became replaced and disappeared only leaving words she should have said—needed to say.

Ellie put her hands on the back of the couch and leaned on it with all her weight, but it did nothing to ease the one on her shoulders or chest. Feeling as if someone was using all their own weight to push her under and hold her there. She should have told him. Told him how much she loved him, how he meant the world to her, that she wanted a future with him..she wanted it all. Marriage, kids, a house with a white fence and a backyard for those kids to run around in with a tree for them to build a treehouse in. 

But she was afraid that if she said the words out loud, they wouldn’t come true or something would happen to him  _ because _ she spoke them.

A cross between a laugh and sob fell from her lips.

She didn’t say the words—and he was still  _ dead _ .

_ When you hurt under the surface _

_ Like troubled water running cold _

_ Well, time can heal, but this won't _

How didn’t she know? 

How did she not know her best friend, the man she fell for more deeply than she had Jake or Qasim, was hurting under the surface? 

Ellie ran her hands through her hair roughly as she turned around, a deep shaky breath leaving her as tears came to her eyes. 

_ How did she not know?! _

“Dammit!” She shouted with a cry, slamming the palms of her hands against the living room wall. She leaned her forehead against it and let the tears fall.

They say time heals wounds..but this was one she didn’t think time could heal.

Every person had their breaking point didn’t they?

What are you supposed to do when your soulmate dies?

_ So, before you go _

_ Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better? _

_ If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather _

_ So, before you go _

_ Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting? _

_ It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless _

_ So, before you go _

Ellie closed her eyes and pictured herself standing across from him, white surrounding them as he smiled at her with that one he saved specifically for her. 

_ “Before you go..” Ellie began, swallowing the lump rising in her throat wanting to choke her. “Was there something I could’ve said to make your heart beat better?” _

_ Nick reached for her, but his hand fell through hers. Ellie blinked rapidly to ward off tears yet that smile stayed. “I don’t know.” He told her. “The damage was already done, and you know that no matter what I’ve told you, deep down you know that damage started years before we even met.” _

_ She did know..but he seemed fine, he seemed okay..happy even. If only she could've known (should have known) he had a storm to weather within himself. _

_ “Was there something I could’ve said to make it all stop hurting?” It killed her, oh god did it kill her. To know his mind could make him feel so worthless when he means the world to her, when to her he's worth more than anything. _

_ Nick reached for her hands again, this time being able to grab hold of her. Ellie squeezed his hands with all her might. “You couldn’t make it stop hurting, I was too far gone Ellie..but you numbed it, you made it so I could keep going for as long as I did.” He cupped her face in his hands. “Thanks to you, I got to live long enough to fall in love again, to have friends that became the family I never had.” _

_ “But you still left.” She sobbed out. “It still wasn’t enough!” _

_ “No babe...it wasn’t.” He whispered, his smile being replaced with a sad one as he wiped her tears away with his thumb. “I was too haunted inside, too broken.” _

_ A whimper escaped her as he leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. _

She slid down the wall, legs crumbled beneath her. Hands now placed on the floor, tears fell upon the carpet as her body wracked with sobs. 

_ Would we be better off by now _

_ If I'd have let my walls come down? _

_ Maybe, I guess we'll never know _

_ You know, you know _

Ellie knew she wasn’t the best when it came to letting people in by the time Nick found his way into her heart. Too scarred from Jake, Qasim, Reeves—all of it. She let him in more than anyone including Gibbs and McGee, but she still didn’t let her walls come down completely.

Maybe if she did?

Would he have let his own walls down and confided in her about how he was truly feeling inside? Would they have had a deeper talk on her doorstep or inside after he sobered up and their mugs of coffee were finished? 

_ Maybe… _

But she’d never know now, would she?

Ellie whimpered, nails scraping against the carpet roughly making the tips of her fingers burn as she curled her hands into fists. She uncurled her hands and repeated the action, the pain easing the one inside her chest the slightest bit.

_ Before you go _

_ Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better? _

_ If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather _

_ So, before you go _

_ Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting? _

_ It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless _

_ So, before you go _

Hours seemed to pass but she didn’t move from her spot. 

Any moment now she knew someone would come knocking at the door. Ellie did a good job so far of not letting anyone into the apartment, but that would only last so long. Sooner or later someone will see the mess it became. 

Ellie couldn’t get herself to move, the closest she came to moving being when she laid down on the floor curling in on herself. Her eyes burned from crying and lack of sleep. Everytime she closed her eyes she saw it, his body lying on the autopsy table from when she snuck down. 

She curled her hand back into a fist, fingertips scraping against the carpet. Fingertips that were burning, red, and becoming raw from the constant friction.

Lying there, she could feel a pain in her chest that felt more than just the twist of loss she was feeling. A real pain that shot through her chest coupled with her breathing that seemed to become unleveled. Ellie’s eyelids fluttered as she struggled to breathe normally, her breaths coming in short.

In the back of her mind she wondered if this was broken heart syndrome, but what did it matter?

It wouldn’t bring him back to her.

**Nothing would.**


End file.
